This months published article in Sibyl Magazine
Always looking from afar
Joining in without commitment, standing on the peripheral is one of my life patterns.
Not quite fitting in or feeling accepted is a repeated pattern since childhood.
I can remember being too small to join in and when I was old enough everyone else had out grown the play.
On the occasions when I had been “allowed” to join in, I felt that I had been so useless in play that it became boring for everyone else.
It felt like I had been suffered, endured.
Perfectionism became my obsession. Always striving to impress, to be accepted and to achieve a standard that may be good enough.
Often feeling like this could not be achieved, I would hide myself away and not be seen.
I learnt to be really at good at not only hiding but being invisible.
A belief system had formed that continued to play out. As I went through schooling, I got on with everyone, but few that would become “friends”. Work life continued in this same vain, I could chip in with my two pennies worth, but would freeze on the spot if you asked me to stand in the limelight in anyway. I was always happy to be hiding in the background, plodding away whilst ducking and diving the office politics. Sometimes, I am referred to as being like a breath of fresh air, which really means that I just breeze in and out.
This standing on the outside has cascaded among many different areas throughout my life.
No matter where I am or what I am doing, if someone wants to take over, I step back. I let them. My thinking is that they are probably way better, funnier or liked and wanted more anyway.
It is fair to say that I have spent most of my life drowning in a sea of lack of self-worth and self-belief. And to be fair it is still my default place to go especially when I feel a level of vulnerability that I am finding hard to manage. It is so much easier to hide behind my fears than it is to step past them and be seen.
However, I finally got to that place in life, where niggles of “there must be more” were getting louder and louder. Then the elements that felt so important when younger, no longer seemed to hold the same value.
My need to be comfortable in my own skin became relentless.
Once you hear your own inner soul calling out, there’s no turning back. You cannot ignore it. You can try but it just gets louder and more disruptive.
Action to start taking steps towards your own transformations is calling, loudly.
That’s how it has been for me.
There has also been a massive recognition that everything that I yearn for now is pretty much what I have been hiding from all of my life.
To belong, be seen, be heard, be valued and to have connection with my own soul. To connect with nature, my surroundings and my community.
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If you would like to explore your inner world and learn more about YOU – work with me
Be kind to yourself, always